deep thoughts from the mini-van

It's 9:44pm on Friday night; a night that follows a very fast paced week of school days, homework, soccer practices, cub scout meetings, new church programs and visiting with friends. I feel very reflective towards my sweet but sometimes hard to read Eli tonight.

Today was the day of tests. We have been studying all week for these many tests: geography, advanced spelling for the first time, math, phonics. He has been so prepared and with a slight incentive plan I began (thanks to the advice of some friends) he has really taken on a more positive attitude towards getting his homework done each afternoon. But the scores of his tests were not reflective of what I had seen the previous day. He didn't seem to have an explanation for it, typical Eli fashion (curls up in a ball, won't look at you, shuts down the more you talk or ask questions). As Nate and I relayed our disappointment and confusion as to why he made such careless mistakes on the tests I felt like I was watching a movie. How did I get to this point where I have a child who actually takes tests that are scored and why didn't anyone give me a guide book as to what I was supposed to do in these circumstances for goodness sake?

After talking with him about our disappointment and trying to figure out what went on in the classroom that might have added in the poor scores I gave him a kiss and hug and let him go off to his clubhouse to get away from us for awhile. I immediately went and called a friend who has been through the second grade with her son and asked for advice. It is so nice to have friends in your back pocket to call upon at different stages of parenting. Those that have been there and done that...to at least tell you how they did it or encourage you through it.

I can tell this year is going to be a big change in parenting. More responsibility for Eli and less control for us as parents. I will have to pray more for my little guy and hope that what I have taught him in the previous years will resurface when he is alone and faced with decisions in his own maturing life. I am sad for him as I see the simpleness of the younger years disappearing and his struggle with these more mature years approaching him.

He is on a soccer team with 12 year olds this season. Recently I heard him telling Ian a very crude story in the bathroom. I listened in more carefully and upon figuring out what he was saying I immediately called him in the living room. He was embarrassed to have to repeat the story to my face but it made him realize that it was not an appropriate thing to be repeating to his six year old brother. It made me want to cry out that he is now exposed to children whose parents expose them to such adult behaviors on television. I can't protect him like I used to...

So as my little boy sleeps in the top bunk of his bed with his brother, curled up with his froggy blanket that he has had since he was born, feeling protected by the moon light that shines away the scary darkness in his room, I feel a little sad tonight that I can't always keep him in that safe haven. I will grow with him this year as he struggles with new challenges at school. I will have to trust God more to protect his mind and spirit from evil. I will have to love him a little harder as he fails while he tries.