The odd frame

I have these four large pictures in my living room. They are all perfectly measured horizontal in the center of the wall and equal distance apart (thanks to my husband). And they are all going in the same direction. Then I printed a picture of Elizabeth and when I replaced the picture already up there I realized I had to turn the frame vertical for the picture - now there is one odd frame on my giant wall. Since I loved the picture I knew it would take some time for me to find another equally pleasant photo to replace it (the rest of the pictures are of the boys as small children). So I have left the frame on the wall - sticking out like a sore thumb for all to see. And I have made it a point to apologize for some reason to everyone who has come into my house, making sure they knew I was going to fix the odd frame before long in case they were thinking to themselves how odd that looked and how weird I was to have one frame going in the opposite direction of the other three. And do you know not one person said they had noticed it or that they even cared! Not one!

I have learned from this. I'm leaving this frame up for awhile now, on purpose, to teach myself that not everything is perfect in my life. That I do not need to feel like I have to control everything to keep it looking perfect from the outside because Lord have mercy don't you know (if you read this blog you do) that my life is crazy!

So here is a little self-reflection. Some things, as my mom and I discussed this summer, are just the way they are about us because well gee wheeze that is just the way we are. I like to have my house tidy. I don't like clutter. I admit that I often walk behind my children and pick up their toys so that the house doesn't stay cluttered.

Now...what I need to learn from this is that it is okay if my house is messy. It doesn't mean I haven't done my job for the day. It doesn't mean I'm a failure or a slob or that if someone walks in my house unexpectedly into the mess of a living room I have that day (and must step over a few dust balls and toys) that they will judge me forever as a dirty person!

I have a problem with people watching me or having attention brought to me when it is out of my control. One such example is having to take my children to the grocery store. I did this with just the boys a few days ago and I'm not kidding folks when I got home I had to have a glass of wine for supper I was so high strung! They weren't bad but they were bouncing all over the place and a few times getting in people's way and all I could think was what those people were probably thinking about me and how I couldn't control my kids and make them walk perfectly straight and quiet through the whole store with me. I know I have to get over it (or start taking a happy pill) but it is hard!

There is this woman at my church who has four kids and every Sunday they are all dressed (even the mother and sometimes the father) in the same color outfit. She has done this for YEARS. I can't help but look at her and wonder if there were many tears that morning over the outfits being laid out and if she does it just to prove to all of us watching that she has the perfect family who can sit in their color coded outfits so quiet during church and we'll think how wonderful they are. I say this as my boys have usually non-ironed shirts and their crocks on and I'm shooting evil dart eyes at Ian the whole time daring him to make one more noise! (Church sounds fun doesn't it?) But why do I let that family get under my skin...I guess b/c I want to try to have that perfect looking family but I can't - and I understand that nobody is really that way.

I had a woman ask me one time how I look so together all the time. I laughed and said are you kidding me? Then I pointed her to my blog so she could see the inside truth. So, I guess you never know how others are perceiving you from their standing place.

This is one reason that I blog all the crazy stories in my life. To remind myself and others (in the hopes that it will help someone laugh at their own life) that I'm not perfect...I can't always have all four frames going in the right direction and perfectly lined up and never crooked. It's good to let one go the opposite direction and stand out for awhile. It's good to laugh at myself and know that I'm just a mess most of the time and trying to hold it together so that DCS doesn't come visit me.

I'm also trying to let that frame remind me that the way that I think is the 'perfect' way to do life or to be a mom or to be a wife or a friend isn't always the way someone else sees it. Maybe because they choose to do it different or maybe because they mess up and have to go down a path they didn't ever want to go down but there they are. I'm trying to see that if one frame is going the opposite direction maybe it isn't always wrong and if it is wrong maybe I can love it anyway. I'm learning a lot from this frame. I guess I'll keep it up this way a little longer.